Thursday, June 07, 2007

From Weird to Normal

After living in a foreign country for a couple years, the things that were surprising, weird, odd, and funny at first tend to become more and more normal. I really should do a 'you know you've been in Asia too long when...' but a post like that must be really funny and I can never remember all the good ones when I sit down to write. Damn.

Nonetheless, I do have one story about getting a massage in the bathroom of a Cambodian Club while trying to take a piss. Now a whole post could also be written about the club scene in Cambodia. It tends only to be fun if it's your first experience or if you're too drunk to notice the ear-bleeding volume levels, the epilepsy-inducing neon lights, the pre-teen looking crowd, and the stank of cheap cigarettes.

Last night was neither my first time nor was I really drunk, but I managed to have a lot of fun. When I had to go to the bathroom I was reminded of the first time I went to the bathroom in a Cambodian club. I asked my cuz where the bathroom was and he told me.

Then he said, "Oh yeah, don't be surprised if someone massages you while you're in there."

J-Dub, "What?!?"

Cuz smiles.

Before I finish the story of getting my first massage while taking a piss, I have to re-tell a joke a Cambodian named Sela just told me. It goes like this:

A rich man is at a beer garden. The waiter gives him the menu and very politely tells him what he recommends to eat. The rich becomes angry because the waiter is so polite and yells at him. He tells the waiter to bend over and then slaps the man across the face.

The waiter leaves, and comes back a few minutes later. Knowing that the rich man will get angry if he talks politely, he asks the man what he wants to eat in a very impolite way. The rich man becomes angry again because the waiter talks to him impolitely. He tells the waiter to bend over and slaps him again due to his attitude.

The waiter leaves and is now very mad. He decides to pee into the man's beer so he fills up the bottle with his urine. Then he goes back to the table and serves the rich man his beer. Before the man drinks it, he asks the waiter which year he was born. The waiter tells the man. They are the same age, so the rich man hits his hand on the table, and tells the waiter they are now friends. So he tells the waiter to drink with him. The waiter joins the man at the table. They raise their glasses to drink, and only the waiter drinks his own urine as the rich man asks him where he was born. After drinking half the glass, the waiter tells him. They are from the same town. So the rich man hits his hand on the table again, and says they must drink again. When they go to drink, the waiter drinks all his urine, but the rich man doesn't drink anything....

End of joke.

Back to the massage thing. So as I head to the bathroom, everything appears normal and innocuous. So I head to the troff and relieve myself. Before I get things started, a Cambodian comes up right behind me in some ninja type stealth. As every man knows having some dude standing right behind you while you're trying to get things started is terribly distracting. And it wasn't like he was waiting for an empty urinal, because I was the only horse at the troff.

So I continue my business trying to think of baseball, and not the dude giving me a massage. Having recently arrived from SF, I was a bit apprehensive about it. But I manage to finish, and when I was zipped up, the dude grabs my chin and top of head. He yanks it at a diagonal direction wrenching at least three vertebrae in my neck. Then in the opposite direction. It was amazing how dangerous it was, yet how great it was. Then I was led to the sink where a hot towel was waiting. All this service was well worth the suggested gratuity of fifty cents.

Fortunately, I had some forewarning about having a dude approaching so I didn't hit him when he started to massage my shoulders. Now I have to say, it was very weird at first. While the Khmers must be some of the least homophobic people, I didn't know that at the time. I just thought it was super gay. But after seeing hella dudes getting massages while taking a piss, it's now just kinda normal. Funny to think that this happened two years ago, and what's more weird isn't the massage itself, but how normal it is now.

~ J-Dub

3 Comments:

Blogger Ethan said...

J-dub, your posting reminded me of the first time you and barrett took me to a Thai club. I had just arrived in Thailand, it was my birthday, and you guys took me to a place you described as "lots of young Thai people, but it's kind of in the heart of the gay district." So as soon as we walk in the front door, I get this feeling that the music comes to an abrupt stop and everyone turns to look at us because we are the ONLY white people in the club. "Awesome," I think to myself.

So we drink a little, I attempt to talk to some pretty Thai girls only to realize a few minutes later that the only reason they are talking to me is because they think I am interested in their male friend sitting next to them.

Oh right. The gay district.

After putting back a few bottles of 'Ice' beer, the asian equivalent of malt liquor, I push my way through the crowd and head into the restroom. After finding an empty urinal, I start to relieve myself. A few seconds later, a guy sneaks up behind me and starts rubbing my shoulders.

Um, the gay district?

Understandably taken aback, I nervously tell him I'm not interested and try to refocus my attention on peeing, which has come to a painful stop. Then, a mere 10 seconds later, a different guy approaches and starts massaging me. I quickly tell him no thank you, zip up, and rush out of the bathroom with a half full bladder.

I find you and Barrett, retell the story, after which you both sort of laugh and explain that it has no sexual connotations and I can just chaulk it up to Thai culture. Feeling better, although slightly ashamed of my homophobia, I decide to forget the incident and continue having a great birthday.

5 minutes later a lady boy walks up, grabs my genitals, and tries to make out with me.

Good times.


-Ethan-

Tuesday, June 12, 2007 9:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, that story was totally gay and I really don't want to hear about the happy ending.

Thursday, June 14, 2007 11:01:00 PM  
Blogger Cali Thais said...

That must have been Bear who suggested going to that club... He loves the attention.

Monday, June 18, 2007 1:22:00 AM  

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